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Mud

from Unprofessional by Penpal

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lyrics

The birds chirping in the morning, it's too early for this
Their singing like the ticking of a clock hanging over my head
A tiny rope, holding me up
tell me, Am I cool am I cool am I cool enough?
Do you like my shoes, do you like my jeans, do you like me?
Do you like my hair, do you like my beanie, no, that's too many things
Look at me, Look at me, come on, give me attention

Trip slip and stumble over my own tongue
Dragging my cadaver through this thick air like mud
The dead skin cells dancing on my arms
Every hair like a freezing needle into my blood
Teach me how to be clean
Teach me how to be enough

I am knots, I am the art of aching
I am a sick puppy, ripe for the kicking
I am hanging on and I am desperation
I am more metaphors than I have words for
They don't ever tell you you're not good enough
They just pack up and leave
I am thinking of these bags underneath my eyes
and they're getting too heavy for me to carry

"Take a second. Look at me. Breathe"
Back off, I know what I'm doing
"In through the nose"
Out through my mouth
I said I know what I'm doing.
"You're gonna be okay"
No, I promise, I know I'm really not
"You can't die from a broken heart"
Well, not if you ain't trying hard enough
I don't wanna live forever, that's too fucking long
"But then how long do you think will be long enough?"
No, go away, I don't wanna talk today
I said don't wanna talk

Who is this a conversation between?
Who the hell is even doing the talking?
It's not ADD
I just look at the ceiling when I don't feel like breathing
Getting help means that you're really sick
I don't think I have anxiety, I just think I do
This think-thinking about having a condition
Have I made myself anxious by thinking I have it?
Tell me I'm good enough, make me whole
Cuz I am half of a half of a quarter, a hole
I will try to fix me, I don't need anybody
I can run all I want to and you will never catch me
But if I get sick of running, will you sit with me?
But if I get sick of sitting, will you run with me?
All this repetition is making me sick
This isn't even a song anymore, it's a sliced up journal entry
And just like a diary it'll end abruptly

credits

from Unprofessional, released December 31, 2014

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Penpal New Jersey

Some lo-fi noise punk from an emo kid who can't sing and thinks he knows what indie is

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